Becoming skilled at giving compliments will not only improve your confidence and charisma but it’s one of my favorite ways to break the ice in a social situation.
Compliments cost nothing and bring happiness that can’t be bought. Just the other day I was at a cafe, practicing my (basic) Portuguese with the waiter. While I was waiting for my food, a young man from another table turned around and complimented me on my Portuguese skills. We struck up a conversation and eventually went our separate ways but even days after the encounter I still glowed with pride, and the compliment gave me the motivation to continue learning and to pass my Portuguese language exam.
The 5 Levels of Compliments
There is no formula for giving compliments. The skill requires you to read the situation and decide what kind of compliment to give (if any at all).
A formulaic compliment fails to be personal but if a compliment takes too much effort, we run the risk of losing motivation to give one at all.
If you don’t regularly give compliments, you might start at Level 1, and work your way up the levels. The goal, however, isn’t to use level 5 complimenting at every opportunity. The goal is to elegantly decide if a compliment is appropriate and when it is, see which level best fits the situation. In the same way that you wouldn’t go to a 5-star restaurant every night, you’d pick the right restaurant depending on the occasion. The same is true with compliments. Level 5 isn’t necessarily better than level 1, the skill is knowing the different levels and using the appropriate one depending on the situation.
Level 0 - No Compliment
Sometimes it isn’t a good idea to give a compliment. Maybe it isn’t culturally appropriate, or the person might not be happy to receive one. If you aren’t sure, you can always check by asking:
“Hey….Do you mind if I give you a compliment?”
Not only will this help to confirm any doubt but it will also make you appear emphatic and humble.
Level 1 - The Simple Compliment
If you find it difficult to give compliments then start here. A level 1 compliment works well if you are giving it in passing, or don’t have much time. Imagine you are walking in the park and you see someone with an interesting hat, as you walk by you might say “I like your hat”.
The benefit of this type of compliment is that it is low stakes, and it doesn’t take much effort to think of a basic compliment like this.
Example 1: ”I like your hat”
Example 2: “Excellent presentation”
Simple compliments like these are most effective when they reassure someone who feels self-conscious. Recently a friend of a friend told me that she liked my jacket and wished more guys would be more adventurous in their choice of fashion. Her compliment was impactful because I was feeling self-conscious about wearing the jacket and her comment reassured me that my choice was a good one.
Level 2 - Templates
There are a few situations when a level 1 compliment works well, but often this type of compliment is too vague and too lazy. However, it is usually better to give a compliment when one is warranted, even if it is lazy, vs none at all.
So how can we reduce the friction of giving compliments even when we are feeling lazy? By using templates! At first, the idea of using a template for a compliment disgusted me, but I came to realize that often the best compliments are those that make the person look good in the eyes of others.
If you are impressed with someone’s work, you should tell them, but often it's even better to tell their boss. I never use templated compliments for friends or family but I do use AI to help me write compliments to let businesses know about the great experience I’ve had with their employees.
By using a template, the friction is removed and the compliment that the person receives will often not be the template but a personalized one from their boss.
It’s a simple process:
(1) Goto the restaurants/hotels/business website.
(2) Find the managers/companies' Email address.
(3) Go to ChatGPT, and use as specific of a prompt as possible.
(4) Copy and paste the compliment, editing anything that might be wrong, or that doesn’t correctly convey your experience.
(5) Send the Email.
Example:
I used this actual template recently and this was the Email I received back from the hotel manager:
The idea of using a template to give a compliment might leave a bad taste in your mouth, but just as copywriters learn to write ads by copying the words of great ad writers, the same is true when using a template for compliments. As the friction is reduced and you internalize the process, you become increasingly well-practiced, and you will find it becomes more natural, helping you to move to the next level.
Level 3 - Getting Specific (with your values)
To get to level 3 we need to avoid being both lazy and vague, and instead craft a personal compliment. To take your compliments to the next level, ask yourself two questions:
What specifically has the person done that you like?
How did the thing that they did affect you?
Example 1: “Excellent presentation, the second section where you told your story of how you started your business resonated with me and helped me to understand the mistakes I have been making. Thank you”
Example 2 : “I like your hat, it reminded me of the amazing time I had with my wife in New York where we celebrated our honeymoon, it was the best week of our lives.
Level 4 Getting More Specific (with their values)
It's rather egotistical to think that the person you are complimenting should care about your values. Why should they care that their hat reminded you of your honeymoon in New York 10 years ago?
To take your compliments to the next level try and remove yourself from the compliment, and think about what is important to the person you are giving it to.
But how do you know what is important to them? Notice what they put effort into and what they have pride in, people who notice these things will find their compliments are received remarkably well.
Some people think it is a mistake to comment on a person's beauty, it certainly can be, but it really depends if beauty is important to the person you are giving the compliment to. The key is understanding if the person values beauty.
Example 1: “Excellent presentation, the second section where you told the story about how you started the campaign to raise money for the endangered rhino inspired me…..I went to the organization's website and donated and sent the video of your presentation to all my friends and family.”
Level 5 - Ask Questions
Recently a friend gave me a memorable compliment and it made me analyze why it had such an impact on me… it was her use of a question.
Asking a question shows that you are interested and acts as a catalyst for any compliment. A level 1 compliment can become more powerful than a level 4, simply by using a question.For example: Instead of saying: “I liked the pasta you made for dinner” ... say: “I liked the pasta you made for dinner. What is your secret to making it so flavourful? Can you send me the recipe?”
Reducing the Friction in Giving Compliments
Giving compliments can feel awkward but reducing the friction can make practicing easier….and just like anything, the more we practice the stronger we become.
Start with small compliments in low-risk situations and work up.
Most forms of communication are better in person and compliments are no exception but having to think of a compliment off the cuff may be difficult. By giving yourself the option of sending a follow-up compliment you reduce the friction and put yourself under less pressure in the moment.
Another way in which you can reduce friction is to give compliments indirectly. At social events, one of my favorite questions to ask people is: Who is the most interesting person you’ve met this evening? After finding that person I tell them what was said about them. This is an indirect way of giving a compliment and it makes the person feel amazing and it also makes them appreciate you for passing on the compliment.
How to Receive Compliments
For some people receiving compliments is harder than giving them.
One mistake I often make is to return a compliment immediately after someone has given me one. Doing so makes the interaction feel transactional and can undermine the original compliment.
Instead of trying to reciprocate, reply by using one of the following examples:
Example 1: “Thank you, I appreciate you telling me that”
Example 2: “Thank you, you’ve encouraged me to continue doing xyz”
How to Incorporate More Compliments into Your Life:
Compliment Notepad
A few years ago I created a Google Doc and started saving screenshots of the compliments that I received via Email or WhatsApp.
We all go through low periods in our life when we question what we are doing or the value that we provide. Having a document that I can browse and uplift myself with, is remarkably effective during these moments.
It’s a little embarrassing and egotistical to share with people that I have a document where I save compliments but I have found that being open and vulnerable about this, continues the chain reaction of sharing, and helps to build the relationship that has already started after someone compliments you.
After I receive a compliment I sometimes tell the person: “Thank you, I really appreciate you telling me that. I recently created a Google doc where I take a screenshot of any compliments that have had a meaningful impact on me and I’m going to do that with yours. I find sometimes when I need inspiration or I’m feeling down, reading over these compliments lifts me up. Thank you.”
It might be difficult to be this open, but think about the vulnerability that went into sharing the compliment with you in the first place, not to mention the impact that telling them will have and how it will likely deepen your relationship with them.
Understanding Yourself
By periodically reviewing the compliments that you have saved, you may start to notice a pattern that will help you to understand yourself better. The compliments that you’ve decided to save will show what is important to you and what you value.
When we know what we value, it can help us to determine which life path to follow in our career, work or love life and help us advance on the 5 stages of adult development.
Compliment Envelopes
Every year I organize a trip with 15-20 friends. We rent a chateau in the Loire Valley, eat and drink very well and have great conversations, while constantly learning from each other.
Last year I prepared some envelopes, one for each person, and left pens and paper by each one with the following instructions:
This exercise nudged us to notice reasons to write a compliment for each member of the group during the week. Maybe it was something as simple as their quirky socks that made me smile or the way they noticed someone’s cup was empty and refilled it.
At the end of the week, we distributed the envelopes and the notes became a beautiful souvenir of the week together:
Giving and receiving compliments is not a skill that is taught in school, despite the great benefits that can result both for yourself and for others. I challenge you to start small and to notice the disproportionate effects that can arise from sprinkling a few compliments into your daily interactions.
Comments